It always disconcerts people when I tell them that, especially as it is usually in the context of calling them scary.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Hello everyone! This post is long overdue...in fact, since I last spoke with you about items such as the casting of Wyrd Sisters, I've rather dropped off the blogosphere (I will of course, set myself a harsh punishment such as lines or no pudding after dinner for using this word). Those of you who follow the more regular and well structured blog of Miscriant will be aware that it has been a busy summer for me, as I am the RV referred to and occasionally pictured in the same blog. But in truth, the busy factor was no more so for her than me, so why is this the first blog from me for a while?
Actually, as is a bit of a running theme, I had started several blogs, and not been able to get a post out of them...and then I established that a running theme was my being scared...and my unusual relationship with that word and people like it. So, at an uncommon loose end this weekend (a confluence of timing, the availability of others and a social engagement tomorrow leaves me free on a Saturday night), I've decided to combine all the fragments under one discussion of that idea rather than the events which caused me to consider it.
So, scary things and people.
Actually, on the face of it, liking the scary is not unusual. Horror movies and their success is proof of that. I suppose though, I'm not talking about fear, terror, horror, suspense, even intimidation (that word again). In point of fact, I am ambivalent or disinterested in such things. Psychological horror fascinates and draws me in, and then leaves me a genuinely unnerved person whenever on my own for a while after. I love the macabre, which feeds my Monday night occupation of playing a game where I am a vampire in modern day Canterbury, solving twisted, often occult crimes......but anyway......
Scary, for me, is a presence, the sheer size and scale of something, the utter ridiculousness of it. And I love it. Scary is a word I use to describe something which causes a shot of adrenalin, that moment of focus where the world becomes clearer, more dramatic, and, for this particular person, more real and important. I am genuinely scared of pretty much all of the people I am closest to, in the true meaning of the word - they cause a visceral response of excitement in me, because of who they are, how they interact with the world. And it makes them brilliant, exciting, important, unusual characters, and I love them for it. Sadly, scary is often seen as a synonym for frightening or intimidating, so when I call someone that, they often seem offended, or simply reject the assessment. It isn't what I mean.
Putting aside false modesty and the pretended lack of self awareness which Brits seem to require, I have to accept that I am probably, potentially a bit scary under my own definition. I am a little odd, definitely loud, and effect a self confidence and lack of concern for the opinion of others which could be scary. Of course, I am at heart a little dull, and very conventional, along with shy...and, until recently, overmastered by a sense of low self esteem (this is currently under repair), which is apparent to those who know me well. Fortunately, people seem to find me quite nice, so once the initial flush of interest caused by my scariness fades, they forgive the ongoing lack of interesting characteristics in lieu of decent, affectionate, company.
I famously once said to a few friends that, in some ways, my life began at 30. This off the cuff remark was never true, and I want no one reading who knew me in the period before to assume I am writing off or regretting anything which came before. But, my life has been governed since by two principles:
- If in doubt, say yes; and
- Do something ever day which scares you.
And I have honestly never been happier. I have abandoned things which I adopted because I 'should'. In some ways, 2013 has been the culmination of those things, with my new approach to life bearing fruit. In the last 12 months I have done things which I have enjoyed more than many other experiences in my life. I have tried, during the drafting of this blog, to summarise this, but it always seems indulgent and self congratulatory. Suffice to say, whether it is speeches, stag dos,directing, assisting, soundtracks, training (to 80 people!!), asking direct questions, throwing away button holes, and many more, this year has been the scariest, and best, year of my rebooted life. I am lucky to have supportive, encouraging friends, and confidantes. But honestly, none of it would have happened if my mind set wasn't to get scared, and then do it anyway. Even if sometimes, and very relevantly to me at the moment, I waited a couple of years to do so.
This blog is not about advice. That would be madness....by definition, any advice I give is how not to do it. However, an observation is that people spend their life frightened. Worried what might happen. Life is short, ridiculous, and overburdened with rules which aren't actually rules. So, being frightened is understandable, if limiting.
But don't be frightened. Frightened is basically letting the world win. Be scared. And then do it anyway. The scariest things are the best.
Boo!
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